


I'm not ready to get older

by academmia



Series: Another Night On Mars [4]
Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Fluff, Found Family, Gen, High School AU, Human AU, Hurt/Comfort, best buds analogical, virgil's mom is an alcoholic and a lot of this is him dealing with this so tw
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-23
Updated: 2020-08-23
Packaged: 2021-03-06 21:48:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,581
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26055994
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/academmia/pseuds/academmia
Summary: Virgil never thought he'd go to college. He always thought he'd just stay at home and take care of his mom.But then his best friend applies to college, and Virgil applies to, just to make Logan feel better. He never thought he'd actually get in. He doesn't know how to deal with the future, he can't handle leaving his mom. Virgil just wishes he could make time stop.He misses the days where he and Logan could spend their time stargazing and sipping slushies.He's not ready to get older, but history doesn't care.
Relationships: Anxiety | Virgil Sanders & Logic | Logan Sanders
Series: Another Night On Mars [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1738879
Comments: 13
Kudos: 75





	I'm not ready to get older

**Author's Note:**

> I've spent over a month on this, I'm really proud of it, It's the longest thing I've ever written. I love this AU and I hope y'all enjoy. This is the end of the series, comments are very appreciated
> 
> come scream at me on tumblr @thefingergunsgirl

11 cans. That’s how many Virgil counted floating around his house when he woke up in the morning. 

When he was little he used to make it a game to count the beer cans that appeared in his living room like clockwork every time he woke up. The game stopped being fun a while ago

Virgil collects the cans one by one, puts them in the trash, and takes the trash. If he closes his eyes he can pretend like he has a normal mother. One who could feel things without the aid of a beer, or nine. He comes back into his dilapidated apartment and silently begs to a God he doesn’t believe that his mom will wake up in time to drive him to school. It doesn’t really matter, because Virgil has the route to school memorized anyways. He could walk. He just wishes he didn’t have to 

He opens the clunky freezer and pulls out two frozen waffles. He pops them in the toaster and goes to get ready for school. College decisions are coming out. They’re in the second semester and their lives are about to begin.

Not for Virgil. Virgil will live and die in the house with crushed beer cans and overdue electric bills. He still has to take care of his mom. Because even with the shouting and the alcohol and the weeks where she never even gets out of bed, he still loves her. And he can’t just leave her here to die. He’s her protector.

_ Ping _ , his waffles pop up from the toaster and Virgil snaps back to reality. 

He grabs his waffles straight out of the toaster and pours himself a cup of shitty black coffee. The bitter sludge burns his throat, but nothing wakes him up like it does. 

His phone vibrates with a text and he doesn’t have to check it know that it’s Logan. It’s not like anyone else has his number.

** From L at 7:30 am: ** _ you ready for today?  _

No, he’s really not. School is going to be absolute mania. The teachers don’t even try to control the college craze anymore. It’s an unsaid tradition for the seniors of the school to skip class to check decisions. And since they’re posted online, it’s pretty much impossible for any of them to focus. 

For all of high school, the day has been entirely irrelevant to him. Virgil has never cared about college. College was for people with good grades and money. Virgil had neither of those things. He’s been planning to just start working full time to provide for his mom. If he had the time maybe pick up a few community college classes on the side, and bury his passion for writing deep, deep down until Virgil could pretend that it never existed in the first place. 

So yeah, he hadn’t planned on applying to colleges. 

But now, because of his best friend, Virgil had applied to a school a thousand and five miles from his home town. When Logan ran up to him, excitedly waving a pamphlet as he rambled on about merit scholarships, Virgil didn’t have the heart to tell him no. Logan needed things to look forward to. Logan was getting the fuck out of this stupid town and everyone knew it. Logan was brilliant. If he wasn’t one of the leading scientists at NASA in the next ten years, Virgil would sell one of his kidneys.

There was no doubt in Virgil’s mind that Logan would get the scholarship. Any school would be lucky to have him. He had no clue what would happen to him. 

Virgil was terrified of getting a no. Not for himself, but for Logan. He didn’t want any part of Logan’s college experience to be tainted. Logan deserved the entire universe, and all Virgil wanted to do was give it to him. Logan had a carefully constructed plan, and Virgil didn’t want to mess it up. 

But if there was anything more terrifying than a no, it was a yes. Because applying to the program and awoken the part of himself he was constantly pushing away. The part of himself that lived and breathe stories. The five-year-old who wanted to become a writer. The student Ms. Ettenburg believes has an extraordinary career ahead of him. Virgil is afraid of what will happen once he starts dreaming.

** To Logan at 7:34 am: ** _ ready as I’ll ever be I guess _

Virgil shoves his phone in his pocket and grabs his laptop. He collects his folders and carelessly shoves them in the backpack he’s had since sixth grade. 

On his way out the door, he checks his mom’s room to see if she’s awake. Of course, she’s isn’t. Her right arm is hanging off her mattress and there’s a dark spot on her sheets from the drool. 

“Bye mom,” Virgil says. “I love you.” 

No response. 

Virgil sighs and shuts the door behind him.

When he leaves the apartment he clicks shuffle on his music and shoves his crappy earbuds into his ears. The familiarity of the music makes it just a little bit easier to breathe. 

He habitually steps over the cracks in the sidewalk. After his dad died he just never could stop doing it. No one said his dad’s name anymore, but Virgil keeps avoiding sidewalk cracks as if it matters. Geez, his life was such a sob story. If he could sing he’d probably star on America’s Got Talent or some other bullshit.

The wind blew up his hood and Virgil groaned. At least senior year was his last, he didn’t know if he could stand this bullshit anymore. 

When we got to the metal doors of his school the air was almost electric. Seniors were in clusters by the rusty lockers with their faces buried in their phones. Teachers had fresh tissue boxes on their desks and the juniors looked on with a mix of fear and excitement. Virgil ignored it all as he walked past the kids and his locker, all the way to Logan’s at the end of the hall. 

His best friend had a frazzled look in his eyes. His backpack was uncharacteristically unzipped and he had Virgil’s signature bags below his eyes. 

“Hey YOLO,” Virgil said with a smirk. 

Logan looked up at him with a glare. 

“Really? Another nickname? Where do you keep getting these?” Logan said.

“A magician never reveals his secrets” 

“Oh is that what you are?” 

“Yep,” Virgil said as he shot Logan finger guns. 

Logan lets out a small laugh and Virgil smiled. Making Logan laugh was his newest and favorite hobby. 

Logan’s phone buzz and he scowled, “Ugh, my mom keeps texting me about Harvard,”

“Oh man that sucks,” Virgil said. 

Logan’s eyes snapped back up to Virgil. 

“Do you think I’ll get in?” Logan asked nervously. 

Virgil didn’t need to ask to know what Logan was talking about. He was talking about the one college he applied to on scholarship. It was his chance to get away from his horrible parents and pursue a career he actually enjoyed doing. 

“You’re the smart person I know L,” Virgil said, “I’d be shocked if they didn’t come begging for you to join,” 

Logan grinned, “Ah what’s the vocabulary term?” He pulled a card out of his pocket, “No you,”

“Is that an actual Uno reverse card,” 

“Yes,” 

Virgil laughed, “Never change lo”

“I wasn’t planning on it,” 

Virgil let out a little laugh before remembering what they were actually talking about

“And besides there is no way I’m going to get in,” Virgil said. “My GPA is fucked.” 

“I was under the impression that it was a writing scholarship,” Logan said. 

“So?” 

“Your writing is phenomenal Virgil,” Logan said. 

“Is it really though?” Virgil questioned. Most of his work was just weird 3am thoughts and stories. And a few essays on the systematic inequalities of America. 

Normal stuff, nothing special. 

“I barely understand humor, but I couldn’t stop laughing from that one story you wrote,” Logan said. 

“Which one?” Virgil asked

“The one about the character, what’s his name, Thomas, talking to the various traits of his personality in his living room for half an hour” 

Virgil laughed, “oh yeah, you texted me your reactions,” 

“For a comedy story it was really angsty,” Logan said

Virgil just shrugged, “Hey you know me, gotta keep up a reputation,” 

“Was the logic character based on me?” Logan asked suspiciously. 

“I plead the fifth,” Virgil said. 

“Hey! I’m not that bad with emotions !” 

“Sure you aren’t Lo,” Virgil said. 

“Is that sarcasm?”

“Maybe,” Virgil said, holding back a smile.

“Y’know what, I’m going to go talk to my other friends, go where I’m appreciated,” Logan said, zipping his backpack 

As he walked away to class Virgil called after him, “What friends?” 

When Logan didn’t respond he added, “You calculator doesn’t count as a friend!” 

“Falsehood!” Logan shouted, and Virgil laughed. 

He made his way to his first class, science. When he got there no one was paying attention to the teacher. The threat of college decisions overpowers anything science-related. The teacher doesn’t even bother trying, he just started working and called a study hall. 

Virgil pulls out his laptop, intending to get a few pages of his latest story done, but no such luck.

He’s always seen himself as tough, but right now he feels so small. No answer feels like the right one. Either way, he’s disappointing someone. He can either please Logan or his mom and it’s tearing him apart.

In the perfect world, if he got into college, Virgil would pick his best friend. He wants to take silly pictures at graduation and go on a post senior year road trip. He wants to eat bad gas station junk food and watch Logan pretend to hate emo music. 

Virgil wants to have so many firsts with Logan. 

He wants to send the rest of his life with Logan, college or not. He wants to find all the ways to make him smile and all the ways to make him laugh. He wants to spend every Friday slurping slushies under the stars.

He wants it all, but Virgil rarely gets what he wants.

Virgil can’t stop thinking about what will happen if he leaves his mom in their house with his father’s ghost for company. Maybe she’d join him. Maybe his mom would become another bullet on the list of people who left him to fend for himself. Maybe she was already on that list.

Maybe he should stop having a crisis 24/7 and actually start writing. 

Naturally, the bell wrung before Virgil could pick up his pen. Just his luck. He sighed and put his journal in his bag. He was the first one out of the classroom since he didn’t have anyone to wait for. Perks of having a best friend who’s a STEM prodigy when your only skill is writing. 

Virgil walks down the halls mindlessly to his next class, and then the next one and the next.

For all the shit he said about high school, Virgil lost sleep about leaving. He knew what to expect here. He knew which teachers were safe and which weren’t. He had mapped out all the hidden spots where he could skip class in peace. He had Logan and Ms. Ettenburg to talk to.

Graduation loomed over him constantly. Virgil had shoved the monster back with Friday slushies and stargazing Saturdays but today everything was going to change. College was here and no amount of denial could stop it. 

The next few classes past through in a haze, that is until an arm slides through his own and pulls him into an empty classroom before he could object. 

Once he got a better sense of his surroundings, Virgil realized who pulled him into the room. It was Logan. His best friend was shaking and running his empty hand through his hand anxiously. 

Virgil gently pried Logan’s Hans from his scalp and held it, “Hey Lo, take a deep breath,” 

Logan looked like he wanted to object, but one sharp look from Virgil made him comply. 

Once Logan seemed less frazzled Virgil continued, “So what’s got you so upset L?” 

Logan gave Virgil a look that screamed  _ are you shitting me  _ and Virgil had to hold back the urge to laugh. 

“Why am I upset? Because I just an email! And not just any email! An email from the school! The one with a scholarship Virgil,”

“Oh,” Virgil said. 

“This is,” Logan pulled at his hair again in frustration, “This is my only chance to,” His voice cracked on chance, “To get away from my parents. To do a job I want. To stop feeling so afraid all the time. I don’t know what I’ll do if they say no,”

“Logan, look at me,” Virgil said, “You’re gonna get in okay?” 

“You can’t know that Virgil,” Logan snaps and Virgil holds his palms up in an  _ I surrender gesture _ ,

“Y’know what? Stressing about it is just gonna make it worse ok? Let’s just open them together right now” Virgil said.

“Okay,” Logan said, taking a shaky deep breath. 

Virgil’s hand shook as he pulled his phone out of his pocket. This was it. He could tell himself as much as he wanted that he didn’t care, that it didn’t matter what that email said. He wasn’t going to college, he couldn’t go to college. The little spark of hope at the bottom of Pandora’s jar screamed otherwise. Part of him wanted this more than anything, no matter how much he denied it. 

He didn’t feel in control of his body as he clicks on the mail app. He didn’t feel real when he signed in to the portal. He felt like he was dreaming when he read.

_ Dear Mr. Jones _

_ From all of us at Sanders University, we are delighted to inform you that you have not only been admitted into the class of 2024, but you have also been offered a full scholarship to our English program. Congratulations!  _

Virgil didn’t even know if he was breathing. He, he got into college. 

_ He got into college full ride.  _

No one in his family had ever gone to college. His mom and dad grew up working minimum wage jobs, just like their parents, and their parents before them. His dad decided to bite a bullet instead of facing the world. His mom dropped out his high school. There was no precedent for something like this. Because when Ms. Ettenburg insisted that he could make it, Virgil thought she was crazy. 

_ I told you so _ , he can hear her saying. 

“I got in!” The two of them say simultaneously. 

Logan just stares at him incredulously for a solid three seconds, before his face lights up in a wide, manic smile. 

“Fuck yeah!” He shouts, and Virgil is still shocked by Logan cursing, every time.

Virgil hears himself let out a cheer. 

“We’re going to college together! We’re going to get to be roommates, and follow the careers we want, and get out of here. This is incredible. ” Logan says.

That’s when it hits Virgil.  _ I can’t do this.  _ As Logan’s excitement grows, so does Virgil’s dread. 

What the hell was he thinking? Going to college? 1000 miles away? He shouldn’t have even entertained the idea, to begin with. He was just going to end up hurting Logan. He was just going to end up hurting himself. 

His mom needed him. Thinking otherwise was selfish. 

“Logan..I,” Virgil said, and Logan looked back at him. 

Virgil rarely saw his best friend this happy.  _ Am I really going to do this to him?  _

_ I don’t have any other choice.  _

“I can’t do this,” Virgil said. 

“Can’t do what?” Logan said. 

“I can’t go to college with you,” Virgil said. 

Logan turned to him and his smile dropped. “Virgil I think you’re going to need to repeat that, I’m afraid I don’t comprehend.” He said.

“You heard me,” Virgil said. 

“But we had a plan! We were going to go to college together, that has always been the plan!” Logan said. 

Virgil stepped forward, “No Logan, that was  _ your  _ plan.” 

“Since when?” Logan snapped. 

“Since forever ok?” Virgil said, raising his voice to match Logan, “Just drop it, Logan, it was never going to happen.” 

“No! I will not just ‘drop it’ Virgil, Why won’t you come with me?” 

“It’s complicated Logan,” Virgil said. 

“Is it? Or are you just too scared?” Logan said. 

With every retort Logan shot, Virgil’s heart shattered just a little bit more. 

“Logan I just..I can’t. My mom wouldn’t survive. She’d waste all her money on beer, or she’d OD at 9am. She can’t lose another person. That’s always been my plan. Stay home and take care of her. College...it’s a nice idea but it was always a just fantasy.”

“That is, how do I say this..” Logan said, “Ah yes, That’s bullshit, Virgil.” 

“No it’s not,” Virgil said, “I need to do this Logan, don’t you get it. I can’t be that selfish.” 

Virgil knew he was hitting Logan where he was sensitive but he needed Logan to get this.

“Oh so now you’re implying that I’m selfish,” Logan said. 

_ Shit.  _

“No! I’m not I just-” Virgil started but Logan didn’t want to hear it. 

“Just what Virgil? Think I’m selfish for wanting to leave my parents? You were the one who made me realize how screwed up the way I was being treated was! It’s ok to be selfish! It’s ok to want things, It’s okay to put yourself first! And you know how I know that?” 

“How?” Virgil’s voice cracked. 

“Because you taught me that,” Logan said with such intensity that Virgil had to take a step back. 

The room was too stuffy. The air seemed to be getting thinner and thinner as Virgil shook harder. He can’t do this, he can’t be here. He can’t stand here and watch Logan tear apart everything he’s believed piece by piece. 

So Virgil did the one thing he’s best at; he ran. Out of the classroom and down the hall. Past the students smoking in the supply closet and over the dent in the walkway. He just had to get away and he had to do it now. 

_ Run Run Run,  _ Was the only thing going through his head, and the need to obey it was unimaginably strong.

He ran and ran and ran until he was outside. The breeze ruffled through his hair as he slid down against the rough brick wall. There were a few clouds outside and the leaves were finally starting to grow back for spring.

Virgil tried to breathe as he shakily grabbed his headphone out of his bag and slid them over his ears. He grabbed his phone, ignored the texts and calls from Logan, and clicked on the playlist called Panic Attacks. Cavetown’s voice flooded his senses and slowly, bit by bit, breathing got easier. Air was there, he just had to calm down enough to take it. 

When he was calm enough to open his eyes again, a pair of brown eyes stared right back at him. Virgil flinched so hard his headphones fell out.

“What the hell are you doing here?” Ms. Ettenburg said. She was eying him with a critical look. Like always her red hair was pulled into a ponytail and her hands her covered in ink stains. She was wearing a blazer and a button-up shirt along with jeans and her Combat boots. She was holding her “Nobody knows I’m gay” mug that Virgil got for her two years ago. 

“I could say the same thing to you,” Virgil grumbled. 

She just raised an eyebrow at him, “Coffee is my second marriage, you know that now answer the question.” 

Virgil sighed, “I got into a fight with my best friend.” 

She hummed in response, “That’s rough buddy.” She took a sip of coffee.

Virgil couldn’t help it, the situation was so absurd, he burst out laughing, “Avatar really?” 

“They don’t call me an English teacher for nothing,” She said as she slid down against the brick wall to sit next to Virgil.

She took another sip of her coffee and the two of them sit there in silence. That was one of the first reasons why Virgil loved Ms. Ettenberg so much. She never cared if he talked or not. 

“I got into college,” Virgil blurted out, and Ms. Ettenburg turned to him in interest. 

“Wait, hang on, rewind for a second, you applied to college?” She said, not bothering to hide the excitement in her voice. 

Virgil didn’t look her the eye, “Yeah, Sanders University.” 

She let out a low whistle, “Damn Kid, that’s a great college.” 

Virgil let out a humorless laugh, “Yeah.” 

She looked at him again, “Aren’t people usually more excited when they get into college? I’d think you’d be more excited about getting into Sanders University, their writing program is phenomenal” 

“I can’t go,” Virgil said. 

“Why not? I’m sure you’re good enough to get a scholarship.” 

“Yeah, I uh got a full scholarship.” 

“Holy Shit Virgil. See? I told you, I told you you’d make it.” 

“I can’t just leave my mom, Ms. E,” Virgil said. 

She hummed, “Why not,” 

“Logan he’s just, so ready to leave. I get it, and if I were him I’d be ready to. But I’m not. My life it’s hell sometimes but it’s safe and easy and I just. I don’t want things to change. I don’t want to get older I don’t want to deal with college and graduation and getting older. I miss being a kid and I miss my dad. I want to be ready I want to let go but I just can’t leave my mom. I’m not ready to walk across the stage and not see her face in the crowd because she passed out. I’m not ready to move out and leave her I just. Wish I could stop time.” 

“I get it kiddo,” She said with a sigh, “When I graduated I could barely walk across the damn stage. Two days ago I had told my dad I was gay and he told me to pack a bag. I was staying with a friend, and I wasn’t ready either. I wasn’t ready to walk across the stage and not see my parents cheering for me. It was fucking awful,” 

“Really?” 

“Really kid.” She said, “And then I went to community college, I worked two jobs and just kind of floated around. I called my parents daily. I sent voicemails until their inboxes were full. All I wanted more than anything was them to love me again,” She let out a bitter laugh, “They still don’t. But one day I signed up for a teaching course. And I started interning teaching teens at the library. On national coming out day, I came to class wearing a pride pin. One girl couldn’t stop staring at me, she didn’t speak at all during class. I was really worried I was going to get fired because she’d get her parents to explain. Instead, after class, she walked up to me and said ‘you’re a teacher?’ I nodded. And then she said, ‘and you’re a lesbian?’ I nodded again. And then this childlike wonder filled her eyes and she said to me, ‘I didn’t know you could do that’, and that’s when I knew this is what I was gonna do. At the end of the day, your parents will always disappoint you, you can’t change that. What you can change is how much they control you.” 

“Wow,” 

“What did you think I would do for the pay?” Ms. Ettenburg laughed. 

“No!” Virgil protested, “I thought I was the reason you got out the bed in the morning,” 

She laughed again, “That too,”

Virgil smiled.

“You better come visit me, kid, I’m gonna miss you,” She said, “Remember me when you’re on the bestseller list,” 

Virgil laughed, “How could I forget,” 

“I’m proud of you, no matter what you decide to do,” She said, “And when you walk across that stage I’m going to cheer so loud you’ll wish no one had shown up for you,” 

“Thanks,” Virgil said. 

Virgil walks back to his car and the hole that his mom’s absence left in his chest feels a little less big.

\--------

Virgil drove back home in their creaky old car and for the first time since he can remember there was no music blaring through the dilapidated speakers. 

Everything was changing so fast. 

He just wanted to go back to the first night he hung out with Logan when things weren’t so complicated, and all that mattered were slushies and the stars. Not college or their parents or graduation. 

The future was knocking on his door and Virgil hadn’t even started packing. He didn’t want it to take it away. He didn’t want to choose. He pulled the car in the parking lot and climbed out. He jammed his key into the lock and pushed.

The house was silent, like always. Virgil kicked his shoes at the door, and crept to his bedroom, shutting the door behind him. He’s spent his entire life in this room. He hid in here when his dad’s funeral got too much. He wrote stories under the covers of his tiny bed when his mom got drunk and started screaming at his father’s picture, begging him to come back. He wrote papers an hour before they were due at his thrifted desk. He’s grown up here, in these walls, with the ceiling leak and the poorly painted purple walls. 

He didn’t want to leave it. It was hell, and he loved it more than he should. 

Everything was screwed up now. He drove the one person who actually knew him away. He had the dream of a lifetime and taking it seemed like the worst thing in the world. Virgil crawled under his covers like he was a little kid again and let the tears drip onto the stained sheets.

He didn’t know what to do. He wasn’t ready. 

He just wanted his mom back. He didn't want to be strong, he wanted to get to be the child for once.

He hugged his pillow closely to his chest,  _ but that can’t be real.  _

He wiped the tears from his eyes and walked over to his bookshelf. He ran his fingers over the beaten composition notebook spines. Years and years of scribbling that always seemed useless. Now he had a full ride to college because of these dumb notebooks. 

He slowly pulled out the notebook from 3rd grade. 

The journal he started the day after his dad took a dive off the city bridge and never came back up for air. 

He flipped through the water-stained paper, feeling the rough, big handwriting under his fingers. The stories started off small and figurative. A boy stuck with a lighthouse that wouldn’t turn on. A girl wishing he had toys to share. A prince who slays the dragon every single time. 

Then it got more literal. 

_ I hate alcohol. It makes mom mean. It takes her away from me. Alcohol is the favorite child. I’m the only kid in the house.  _

_ I miss stepping over the cracks in the sidewalk with dad. He can’t even see me doing it. I’m dumb.  _

_ My dad was like the boring picture book mom always wanted me to read. I never wanted to read it, but once she got rid of it, all I wanted to know was the story. I didn’t know dad’s story. I should have known dad’s story.  _

_ Mom says no one in my family’s gone to college. College is the big building where fancy people go to learn stuff and get good jobs like doctors and lawyers. She says I’ll work at a gas station just like her.  _

_ I got an A on my writing assignment. Mom was asleep when I walked home. I wonder if dad would have stayed awake to tell me good job.  _

_ I got a slushie at the 7/11 using a dollar I found on the street before school. The cashier had a funny name, I think it was Janice, and he said I had a bad taste in slushies. I think he’s stupid.  _

_ Ms. Clair says writing is a job but you have to go to college to become a writer.  _

_ I found one of dad’s shirts under mom’s bed today. I put it on. It was way too big. Will it always be too big. It smells like vanilla. I like vanilla.  _

_ How long is it safe for people to be asleep?  _

_ I want to go to college. I want to become a writer and write stories. I don’t want to work at a gas station like mom. I’m never gonna drink alcohol, it would make me bad. Mom’s wrong. I’m not like her, I’m going to get what I want.  _

_ Sometimes it feels like I can’t breathe. Mom says I don’t have asthma, but I still feel like I’m choking on bad nights.  _

_ Does it ever get less scary?  _

Nope, Virgil thought, it really doesn’t. You get older and taller and the problems don’t go away. They just wear a different mask. 

He wondered if his eight-year-old self would be proud of him if he could see him now.

Sometimes Virgil wonders if anyone could ever be proud of the mess that he is. How someone like Logan, brilliant, stunning, amazing, Logan, could love someone as fucked up as him. He didn’t get how Logan turned to Virgil for advice or company when no one else had ever done that before. Or Ms. Ettenburg looks at him and sees potential, he doesn’t get how the fact that he got in wasn’t the most shocking thing to her. The other part of him, the tiny part of him that would never die, told him he was wrong. That he was great and talented and he deserved better than what he settled for. 

He was indecisive about everything, including himself esteem. He couldn’t decide if he hated himself or loved himself so he was just stuck in the battleground that was his brain. He couldn’t do anything without screaming at himself these days. 

The lights above him flickered and his journals laid abandoned on the beaten-up wooden floor. When his dad was still breathing his mom would come to his room and read him stories. Virgil would kill to have that again. 

He turned around to face his dark wooden door. It still had the report cards he pinned up after every semester. The bottom of it had a faint outline where Virgil would slam his head against on really bad nights. There was the crappy lock he bought when he was 15 and had his own job just so his mom wouldn’t come in. 

He stared at the door and wished his mom would come in with a clean ponytail instead of her eternal bedhead. Alert, fiery eyes instead of the zoned-out cold ones. A warm smile instead of a hazy frown. 

That’s what Logan didn’t get. His parents were so far gone, they were never going to change. They had been abusive since the day Logan was born. They had hit him and screamed at him, and they probably didn’t even love him. 

Virgil’s mom was different. He just needed to figure out a way to get her to give up the alcohol. She could do it, he knew she could do it. Virgil’s mom, his real mom, was still in there, he just had to get rid of the bad stuff. 

He knew it could happen. If his mom was good in the past she could be good again, he knew she could. She was there before, which meant she could be there again. She had to be there again. Virgil had an emergency fund, he could send her to rehab. He could do everything, be there for her, help her, anything to get her back. 

What Logan didn’t understand is that if Virgil left her, none of that would ever happen. Virgil would be sitting next to another gravestone in another graveyard for the rest of his life. His mom wasn’t gone yet, and it was his job to save her. Just because she was disappointing now didn’t mean she always would be. 

What else was he good for? 

His dad died before Virgil even knew he needed to be saved. His mom was right there, and goddamnit Virgil just wanted to save someone for once. Be the hero, save the day, do something right. 

_ Fuck.  _ He was really throwing himself a pity party, and he hadn’t even gotten ice cream yet. 

_ If I’m going to feel bad for myself, I’m going to do it with cookie dough ice cream.  _

Ben and Jerries would really hit the spot right about now. Might as well get some punk ice cream to go with his totally punk tears. 

Virgil pulled down his hood and crawled out of the covers. His stash of cash was shoved in the crack between his bookshelf and his wall. He built up his stash over the years slowly but surely. Picking pennies off the sidewalk and pocketing a few extra dollars of his lunch money. Working odd jobs and saving half of the cash just in case. 

Virgil didn’t really know what just in case meant. But he was always waiting for something to happen. Being overprepared was always better than not. Plus having money his mom couldn’t find was one of the biggest luxuries in his life.

But when Virgil stuck his fingers into the hole, all he could feel was air. 

_ No no no no no no no no no no  _

It wasn’t there, he checked again and again, but it wasn’t there. 

Virgil had about 1400 dollars saved up and it wasn’t there. A mangled sound escaped his throat and he pushed his bookshelf over, and it slammed to the ground. The wood cracked and splintered as it hit the ground. The books went sprawling across the floor one by one in a cacophony of crashing. 

Virgil frantically turned through each book page by page, going so fast his hands were collecting paper cuts, but he couldn’t find anything. He searched each piece of wood as if it could be found there. 

Once he was done with his bookshelf, he couldn’t make himself stop. He tore through his desk and his bed, one by one, searching and searching. 

_ Bang, Bang, Bang _

Objects hit the floor one after the other, but Virgil couldn’t find his money anywhere. 

His floor was completely covered in books and paper and pens and the weird bobbleheads he got from that one garage sale in 2015, the only thing missing from the floor was the thing he was looking for. 

His room looked like a tornado hit it, but Virgil didn’t care. At least the outside looked like how he felt on the inside. 

_ Who took it?  _ He asked himself, but he already knew the answer. 

His mom did, his mom took it. His mom took it and she was probably in a bar right now draining all of Virgil’s hard-earned cash for a gallon of beer. In one of those shitty bars, she loved so much, the ones that didn’t check for ID, and didn’t care if she passed out on the table. 

His mom saw his money and just decided to take it and throw it all away on alcohol without a second thought. She never thought about Virgil was gonna do with it. About how he was going to use it to give Logan the birthday he never had. She didn’t care about how he was planning on taking Logan on a road trip to stargaze in one of the best places in the country for his eighteenth birthday and go camping. She didn’t care about how that surprise trip was one of the only thinks he got out of bed for. 

Virgil let out a bitter, humorless laugh. Of course, she did, because Virgil was a fucking idiot. 

He thought his mom would come back, that after 12 years of not being there, she would suddenly wake up one morning and decide Virgil was more important than finding the bottom of a bottle. 

He looked at his mom like she was just taking a trip like if he called her enough, she would come back. 

Who was he kidding, his mom was already gone. He had given her a million chances, and she had failed him a million times. He was waiting for a person who left a long time ago to walk back through his bedroom door. 

He picked up the nearest book and threw it across the room in frustration. Happy endings were for five-year-olds. 

He had wasted his entire life taking care of a narcissist. He planned his entire life around her. He was ready to give up everything for her, college, Logan, freedom, money, anything. He would’ve given up his entire life just to see the playful spark return to her eyes.

His rose-tinted glasses were cracking faster and faster. His mom didn’t care about him. His mom only cared about the love of her life, the next bottle. His mom wasn’t going to be saved, and that wasn’t his job in the first place, was it? It wasn’t his job to fix a woman who would rather self destruct 1000 times over than admit she had a problem. It wasn’t his job to give up his entire life to a woman who had never taken care of him. It wasn’t his job to give up his dream to take care of someone who had never sacrificed anything to him in her entire life. 

Virgil froze. 

_ Oh.  _

He should go to college. He always wanted to go to college. He wanted to become a writer so badly he might explode. He wanted to go back in time and tell his eight-year-old self that the hero he was waiting for was never going to come, but that was okay because when you go through so much shit you either die or live long enough to become your own hero. And Virgil wasn’t dead

Somehow Virgil was still marching on in the bloodied battlefield, he was still here. He was the strongest person he knew, and he was so tired. He was always the one pushing himself up, pushing himself forward, because no one else was there to do it. 

He closed his eyes. He didn’t want to see his room, he didn’t want to look at the mess he made. He made a giant mess for nothing, and the relaxation that his mom didn’t love him, hurt like a bullet tearing through his rib cage. It felt like having another person die. He thought deciding to leave his mom would feel like winning. It didn’t. He didn’t feel victorious, he just felt cold. 

He just wanted to feel Logan’s arms wrap around him until the darkness wasn’t threatening to drag him under. He wanted to smell the odd mix of vanilla and hydrochloric acid that always hung off Logan’s clothes. He wanted to ear Logan’s terrible awful no good singing fill the room until Virgil burst out laughing. He wanted to hear Logan talk to him the way adults never did like he wasn’t a soda bottle about to explode, or a baby that needing taking care of. Whenever Logan was around Virgil felt like he was made of stardust. 

But Logan was gone, and it was all Virgil’s fault. He drove Logan away and he missed him more than anything. The tears leaked down his face faster in faster until all the fear and worry and rage was all pouring out of him. Too much, too fast. God, he was pathetic. He was 17 and he was just lying on the floor breaking down alone in a house that was broken in every way possible. 

Before he could stop himself he was fishing his phone out from underneath the pile of paper. Then he opened the text app. He closed it. Opened it again and texted Logan.

** To Logan at 7:42 pm:  ** can u please come over? 

Virgil knew he didn’t deserve to talk to Logan, but he can’t help it. Logan is his rock, his fire in the snowstorm, his best friend. Logan was safe and Virgil needed that more than anything right now. 

Five minutes later his phone buzzed again and Virgil opened it anxiously. 

** From Logan at 7:47 pm:  ** Give me one reason why I should. 

** To Logan at 7:48: ** bc I wanna apologize and it feels shitty to do over text

** To Logan at 7:48: ** and I miss you

** From Logan:  ** Fine. I’ll be there in fifteen minutes

When the ringing of his doorbell echoed through his house, Virgil wasn’t ready, but he got up anyway. 

_ Come on, fix one something for a change.  _

Virgil moved through his mess of a room out into the hallway into the front door. He took a deep breath and opened the door. 

Logan was there. He had his staple black polo and jeans on like always. His glasses weren’t a millimeter out of place but Virgil swore his eyes were a little red. He looked mad and when Virgil opened the door Logan’s face didn’t resist a smile like he usually did. But he still had the messy friendship bracelet Virgil made for him two months ago during science class, and that had to mean something. 

“Hey Logan,” Virgil said nervously. 

“Virgil,” Logan said. 

“Wanna come in?” 

“That’s why I’m here,” Logan said. 

“Right, sorry,” Virgil said, leaning against the wall. 

“So, what did you want to talk about?” Logan said, resting his elbows on Virgil’s counter.

“I’m sorry,” Virgil said, “I messed up, I got scared and I said things I didn’t mean. You’re not selfish at all. You’re brave, and you’re kind, and you make me actually like myself. You’re so incredible and I screwed it all up and my mom she-” 

Virgil’s voice cracked but Logan didn’t seem to mind. Logan was leaning against the wall like they had all the time in the world when Virgil felt like time was slipping through his fingers until there was none left. 

“My mom isn’t special, she doesn’t secretly love me, she’s just selfish and I’m the idiot who fell for her lies.” 

“Virgil-” Logan said, trying to cut him off, but Virgil couldn’t stop talking. 

“And I’m not ready for everything to change and I don’t even know who I am without her-” 

“Virgil-” Logan said louder 

“I miss my dad, and I miss you more than anything, and I-” 

But before Virgil could finish Logan’s arms were wrapped around Virgil, and suddenly his mind goes silent. Logan’s hugs are the best thing in the entire universe. He doesn’t give them out often, but the wait is always worth it. He smells like vanilla and hydrochloric acid like he always does. When Logan’s arms are pulling Virgil to his chest Virgil feels like he could fight the most ferocious dragons. Like he could take on an entire army with his bare hands and win. Like he could tell his mom she didn’t deserve him. It’s illogical, but it’s the best feeling in the world. 

“Don’t let the bastards see you cry,” Logan whispers into his ear, and Virgil is thrown back into his memories. 

He’s five years old and Jack Stevens is shoving Virgil to the ground with barely any effort. His knee hurts but his pride hurts more. He runs to his dad, tears rushing down his face, but his dad just smiles and wipes Virgil’s tears. That’s the first time Virgil’s hears it, “Don’t let the bastards see you cry,” 

He’s seventeen years old and he hasn’t said or heard it since his dad died. He’s starting his senior year and he has no friends. The entire school either pities or hates him, but on one Tuesday a nerd with a bright blue tie and black glasses sits down across from him and starts talking about science. Three weeks later he’s texting Logan impulsively and then the two of them are sitting on a park bench in the middle of nowhere, looking at the stars and sipping slushies. Logan shakes and his bruises shine in the starlight. Virgil squeezes Logan’s hand and says, “Don’t let the bastards see you cry,” 

Over tens years ago that phrase belonged to Virgil’s father, a man who loved blueberry muffins and the smell of a new book. That man is gone now, snuffed out too soon, but now that phrase belongs to the two of them, Virgil and Logan. 

The two of them are going to college and they’ll forget about the bruises this small town by the woods has given them. They’re going to take off their masks, and live in ways they never thought possible. The two of them are going to get slushies every night. The two of them will be untouchable. 

“Don’t let the bastards see you cry,” Virgil whispers back. Logan just hugs him tighter, 

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for sticking around. I don't know how many people are following this series, but I've loved writing it, and I hope some of you enjoy it. This verse was the first thing I've ever written for fandom and I think I've improved a lot since I started. This is the end of the series, comments are very appreciated
> 
> come scream at me on tumblr @thefingergunsgirl


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